This is What You Missed Last Month (According To Linux), in which nightlife it-girl Linux takes us behind the velvet rope and into the VIP section of Scene-City. Through her extreme (sometimes exaggerated) lens, Linux gives us the tea on what really happened at every party-of-the-century that floods our Instagram feeds. (A note from the author: don’t take what she says too seriously — she’s just a club kid after all).
We’ve all seen the stolen tweet-turned-meme, “No, your soulmate is not at the club.” It’s been recycled on our feeds so often that it’s probably even screen-printed on a vodka-cran-stained t-shirt in my closet by now. But what if I were to tell you, they are? What if Prince Charming is right there next to you on the dance floor and you’ve been too close-minded to clock it? Would you call me crazy? Living in a state of delusional optimism? Well, honey, consider me diagnosed with the love bug!
As The New-York Downtown It-Girl (better known by your favorite nightclub owner as Linux), I’ve spent a lot of my time going out. In fact, I’ve built an entire career on attending the hottest celebrity parties, music festivals and underground raves all over the world — and writing about it all for PAPER. But just like the working class, I spend a large portion of my life at work, which means I spend a large portion of my life on a packed dancefloor. In today’s economic climate, we must compile our goals to achieve our dreams, which I’ve had to work my all-natural-ass off at finding love in the club.
The old me (last month) would’ve gate-kept this information, that of securing a spouse at the soirée. If I wanted my foolproof tactics for a tryst at the tea dance to continue working, why share them with the world? But over Valentine’s weekend, as I was trauma dumped on by one sad single in VIP after another, a wave of emotions came over me. First, I was confused, because damn they really give wristbands to anyone these days, don’t they? But then, my heart strings were tugged. How are there so many love-hungry people unaware that they are quite literally at the love-buffet? I decided, it’s time Linux gives back.
So with that being said, I’ve created the ultimate guide on how to enter the party single and leave with a rock (or at least some c*ck)! By the time you’re done reading this, you’ll be bagging a man at the clerb and he’ll be bagging your groceries! Or at minimum, slapping on those love bags of yours — money back, guaranteed!
Decide Who You’re Going to (Pretend) to Be
In the many languages of love, there are many styles of flirting. What you default to isn’t necessarily what you’re going to run with, but it’s good to know where your natural strengths lie. But this is not a love language piece, this is a love in the club piece! So with that I’ll tell you Google is your friend: do enough research to understand the five basic love languages. Mine is words of affirmation, hence the yap-fest I drown y’all in on a regular basis. Next, you’ll want to figure out your flirting style. There are a few archetypes to channel, ranging from the Seductress who leans on her sexuality, to the Jester who uses comedy and wit. Rule number one: never be the Jester. Nobody wants to fuck a clown, and even if they do, I will not allow you to be the clown that they’re fucking! Then after looking within, I want you to throw all those findings into the trash… because if we want to find a lover we’re going to have to sell it.
Here’s all you need to know:
- Start with words of affirmation, before transitioning to physical touch.
- The Seductress is the only archetype you want to embody in a nightclub setting. Samantha, learn her and learn her well. Charlotte, if you’re still getting your feet wet.
What? Don’t look at me like that. You’re at a party, sweetie, nobody’s being themselves here!
Put Your Best Self Out There
You can’t complain about not getting any at the club if what you’re offering isn’t matching with what you’re seeking. How’re you gonna be mad at no high-end customers when your storefront is giving everything-must-go? Let’s sort out a few things before we head to the club. In the arena of partying, loud music, crazy lights and substances handicap our senses and in turn our sense of smell holds more weight. So put your best foot forward when it comes to hygiene. I don’t want you leaving the house until you’ve showered and cleaned yourself up nicely. Brush your teeth, and always pack extra gum and breath spray. Deodorant and a travel size bottle of fragrance is non-negotiable. Be prepared to reup at minimum every 30 minutes.
The second sense that reigns supreme in the club is vibe. Whether you love yourself or not is very apparent in moments of excessive showboating like a night out. Coming from a place of sheer confidence is the most attractive thing anyone can do. You can build this by dedicating more time to being the best physical version of you by eating healthy and hitting the gym regularly. You can also build confidence by dedicating time to working through insecurities, traumas and limiting beliefs that hold you back. I personally lovemirror work and daily meditation. Don’t get overwhelmed if you’re not belting the words to “Born This Way” after day one, the path to loving yourself is a long process. As long as you are consistently putting in the effort to be the most self-assured version of yourself, the rest will fall into place — and it will be infectious.
Find Your Audience and Learn Their Theater
There’s different strokes for different folks, especially in a town like New York City. Here’s where to go, depending on what you want:
- If you want an industry pillar celebrity: Jean’s Late Night Dining on Saturdays.
- If you want a lover of art and culture: Hotel bar at Soho Grand or The Roxy.
- If you want a sugar daddy: Hotel Bar at the St. Regis or The Regency.
- If you want a muscle daddy: The Eagle.
- If you want a doll, chaser or fashion twink: Paul’s Dolls on Wednesdays.
- If you want a closeted bottle-bro: The ground level of The Box.
- If you want a Saudi Prince: The balcony level of The Box.
- If you want an Instagram model: The Nines for dinner, Laissez-Faire for drinks.
- If you want a sexy European: Gitano’s newest Manhattan location at Pier 17.
- If you want a raver: Basement.
- If you want a sexy Irish man: The Craic (but stay away from the owner, he’s mine).
Your First Interaction Once Inside the Club
Now let’s go about how we’ll initiate an interaction with the object of your affection. There’s two routes we can take: that of the Drake or that of the Swan.
If you’re a Drake, meaning you approach them, there’s extra risk of coming off a bit creepy- guy-at-the-club. We want to avoid that at all costs. That said, you can do something non- abrasive like eye contact between five and ten feet away, nodding with a smirk and looking away. If you are feeling liquid courage, you can give them a to-the-point, non-sexual-yet-sexually-charged-enough compliment:
“Great outfit.”
“I love your vibe.”
After the compliment, they’ll likely say, “Thank you.” This is when you go into detail about what it is you just complimented using a unique descriptive word. I want you giving drama:
“I like how this necklace is just hanging off your body, it’s entrancing.”
“I love the blonde in your hair, it’s very, very striking.”
“The way you carry yourself is almost magnetic.”
Absolutely never, under any condition offer them a drink or a bump as a greeting. It’s so Bush Era.
Never talk badly about something else as an attempt to lift yourself up. You want to remain a blizzard of benevolence with a dash of naughty. This means absolutely no shading the DJ, that drunk person falling all over the place or the venue. This is a stranger you’re approaching, let’s remember, and they could be or be friends with anyone.
If your opponent turns their body towards you and opens themselves up to continue the conversation, you’re ready to move on to the next step. If they turn away or respond with a single word, you’re chopped. On to the next one. It’s not personal, it’s just drag!
If you’re a Swan, that means we need to become the object of their affection.
Find your place on the dance floor either right next to or two people in front of them. Dance for them without making it too obvious. If they’re with a group of people you’re already talking to, lightly flirt with everyone else, then walk a few feet away and continue dancing for them.
If you’re feeling your oats and want to carry, stand within view of them and have your friend ask to take a pic of you (with the flash on if the establishment allows). Pose for about 15 seconds before your friend looks at the phone and screams, “Omg, you look so fucking HOT!” After that, dance for them.
If you’re not the best dancer, save the twirl for your wedding. Post-up at the bar solo and take a really long time to order a drink. You just can’t decide what you want!
If you’re a smoker, buy a fresh pack of cigarettes and a few extra lighters. Post up in the smoking section and oblige to bum requests (from hotties only of course). Advanced level: when they ask for a cigarette, look at them with a puppy dog face and say, “I only have one… but we can share it?” If the conversation continues to flow, then you’re ready for the next step.
Make Your Position Known
We aren’t here to make friends, we are here to get laid. Waste no time in bringing things to the next, sexier, level. You’re now going to pull back a bit, look the person you’ve been talking to in the eye and get verbal confirmation that the other party is truly interested.
If you were a Drake before, say something like, “I’m finding myself really attracted to you.”
If you were a Swan, say, “Why am I getting the impression that you want me?”
This gives your conquest the opportunity to decline what you’re putting down. Remember, consent takes priority. If you’ve stated your case and the opposing team has claimed disinterested, respect that and keep it moving. Start back at the beginning and try a different approach with a different person in a different room. And don’t get discouraged, this whole thing takes practice!
Retreat and Bide Your Time
So you’ve both admitted you are picking up what the other is putting down. Now, like a riddle, it’s time to retreat leaving everyone confused. I want you to pull all the way back. You’ve already given your new lover a taste of what could be theirs, so let’s take it all away, at least momentarily. This is a time us man-eaters call “lying in wait.” Ways to do this are:
“Wait, I feel bad. I have to go pay attention to my friends I came here with.”
“OMG, this is my favorite song, I have to go dance to it, I’m sorry!”
“Ugh, the lighting guy needs something from me, I’ve got to go.”
You want to have given them a dopamine-rush that was so fun and stimulating, then force them to experience the rest of the party with their friends to see first hand that everything lacks in comparison to you. Disappear from the party for a full 30 minutes. Like, legitimately hide from them in the bathroom or something. You want to have them borderline offendedthat you just up and left immediately after coming on so strong. They’ll be fiending for your return.
Go In For the Kill
After you’ve left your new mate quenching for a tall glass of you, your brain is telling you to loop back around for their number or Instagram on your way out, reaching out to them for a proper date at a later time. But no, bitch, I’m trying to get you married. And what does a person do to their wife? They put babies in them! Touch yourself up in the bathroom: some fresh breath spray, new piece of gum and quick spritz of your travel size fragrance. You’re then going to go right back up to this person, put your arms around their shoulders, look into their eyes and whisper seductively in their ear one of the following:
[MASTER LEVEL] If you’re a Samantha: “I really want you to fuck me.”
[ADVANCED LEVEL] If you’re a Charlotte: “I have a feeling we’re gonna get married after tonight.”
[INTERMEDIATE LEVEL] If you’re a Carrie: “I think I’m in love with you.”
[LOSER LEVEL] If you’re a Miranda: Follow the stupid voice in your head and ask for their phone number or Instagram prematurely. Give this whole thing up and run for office or something. You clearly aren’t taking any of this seriously and want to be an unpicked loser for the rest of your life!
Okay, you’ve said the line of all lines… now get outta their damn ear and kiss them. Yes, kiss them! Do it, and do it their way!
Use the first kiss as a way to gauge their preference of tongue or not tongue, lip motion, pressure, romantic or aggressive, or if they just like to keep it pecky. Following the first one, you’ll want to mirror their technique. Because being a good kisser is one thing, but being an incredible kisser is all about giving someone what they want. You can teach them how to kiss properly on your honeymoon. If that all goes well, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for.
Seal the Deal
Now it’s time to pull them by the hand and take them into your office. This can be any place in the club where the vibes are inherently sexy and private. A bathroom stall is good to maintain dignity, however you risk losing their interest or being bombarded by your friends whilst waiting in line. If this is a more upscale establishment, have cash ready to inspire the bathroom attendant to look the other way. If this is a trashy establishment, the darkroom is your temple and it’s time to get on your knees and pray, bitch!
To those reading this that aren’t gay, don’t shy away from the dark room. It’s 2025 and the world is on fire, Dolls in Darkrooms (D.I.D.) are all the rage right now and he will think you’re so cutting edge. The ultimate flex and my favorite is, if you’re running the event, bring them into the green room.
Once there, wherever you are, you’re going to do as much or as little as the both of you are comfortable with. Whether a continuation of that fierce makeout sesh, BJ or full-on penetration. All that matters is that you get them high on your shared sexual chemistry. However far you do go, you never, under any condition let them cum. You want to do this for at least 10 good minutes. Then (and only then Miranda!) you can exchange Instagrams and phone numbers (you’ll want both), before going back to the dancefloor or even better: home.
If you don’t continue the night together and part ways after the in-house hookup, I want you to promise me you will never message, call or text them first. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you and you finally let it cum, it’s yours forever. Or something like that!
Now I’d like to raise a glass and propose a toast: Congratulations to the newlybreds! Oops, I mean newlyweds! What the hell was this column supposed to be about again?
Story: Linux
Photography and creative direction: Matt Woodruff
Art direction: Chris Correa
Hair: Sean Bennett
Photo assistant: Charles Pierce
Extras: Lucas Stowe, Ryan Belman, Jason Elmer